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Source:  http://fox.com/house/features/houseisms/
House-isms

Here's an ongoing list of Dr. House's most memorable quips from Season 4:

“Yeah, we all get it - her heart's not beating; gonna make it harder to diagnose her. On the other hand, it means she's not gonna die while you're whining about it.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“I had a heart attack this morning. I can't do any more drugs 'til at least lunch.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“This a Philanderers Anonymous intervention?”
- Wilson’s Heart

“Can't really say ‘yes’ when it's a hallucination asking.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“An incredibly rare neurological symptom is boring? Am I in someone else's hallucination?”
- Wilson’s Heart

“A blowup doll would be more useful; and yes, that's the first time I've implied something negative about a blowup doll.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“If he had a brain, he wouldn't be tending bar.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“Sorry, wide stance.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“As long as I'm risking my life, I might as well be watching a talkie.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“1-800-Dial-A-Wilson.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“I'm branching out from self-loathing and self destruction.”
- Wilson’s Heart

“You gonna trust me? I lie about everything.”
- House’s Head

“I can’t even have a conversation with you in my subconscious without her tagging along.”
- House’s Head

“If I were kidding, I’d dress like you.”
- House’s Head

“Your biggest problem is I don’t know what your biggest problem is.”
- House’s Head

“Whoever wore this shirt… hasn’t showered since Sunday. Without the Vicodin, I’d have never been able to remember that.”
- House’s Head

“Trust me, I want to do very nasty demeaning stuff to your girlfriend.”
- House’s Head

“I need time for my brain to transition so I can embrace my inner monkey.”
- House’s Head

“Don’t blame me, blame my gender.”
- House’s Head

“As opposed to shows that represent the world exactly the way it is, like…can’t think of any. Good thing because they would suck. And be redundant.”
Living the Dream

“I kidnapped you and you’re surprised I lied to you?”
Living the Dream

“This is a whole new experience in super hi-def. I had no idea Marie wore an under wire.”
Living the Dream

“Pack your manhood in ice; maybe the hospital can re-attach it.”
Living the Dream

Confirmation is for wimps and alter boys.
Living the Dream

“We don’t need to wait for a reflex. If he can’t get engorged the way God intended then he can’t get engorged.”
Living the Dream

“I let the crap pile up, wait to see which team member is the most self-flagellating and breaks down and cleans up the mess.”
Living the Dream

“Yes, all pretty girls are interchangeable.”
Living the Dream

“Thing is, hope’s for sissies.”
Living the Dream

“Half the people I save don’t deserve a second chance.”
Living the Dream

"It's a pretty simple string of logic actually: you make people miserable, then they do what you want them to do, because then the misery goes away."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Genetic defect; nice."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Okay, maybe I am biased. Let's take a vote. Who thinks niceness is not a symptom?"
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I didn't invite you to be nice; I invited you because bowling isn't one of the two things guys do by themselves."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Cameron only has one insufferable friend?"
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"You're either perfect or sick."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Thank you from saving me from being righteoused to death."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I like Cuddy. Or parts of her."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"When you think about it, the more I mock you, the more it proves my respect for you."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Run him for everything you can think of: lepto, schisto, hemo and the fourth Marx Brother nobody ever heard of."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"Good news is, he's running out of organs to fail."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"So syphilis prevents domestic violence. I'm gonna be even more attractive to the ladies."
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

"You don't like strong, you don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying, is she?"
- Don't Ever Change

"She's scary. Why does scary need pathetic?"
- Don't Ever Change

"People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep on repeating 'people don't change.'"
- Don't Ever Change

"And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am."
- Don't Ever Change

"This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves.. Oh my God. You're sleeping with me."
- Don't Ever Change

"How's our mental Yentl?"
- Don't Ever Change

Slippery slope -- today we withhold porn, tomorrow it’s clean bandages.
-Frozen

Coma Guy needs cable. Women’s billiards is the only thing keeping him alive.
-Frozen

I’m a complicated man: I loathe her for many reasons.
-Frozen

Only if you count Jenna Jameson’s autobiography as a gynecological text.
-Frozen

We could, but I’d never forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts.
-Frozen

Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?
-Frozen

Tell her to walk north until she runs into a hospital.
-Frozen

He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he’s up for this.
-Frozen

Your theory is: I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that’s what love is, I don’t want anything to do with it.
-Frozen

Who told you it’d be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

Homey knows better, Hymie doesn’t care, and Huntington’s would have done a better job.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

I know almost nothing of alien physiology.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

You wanna know every place your mom’s thumb has been?
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

Lies are like children: they’re hard work, but it’s worth it because the future depends on them.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

The problem with sleeping with strangers is… they’re strange.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it’s actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

You talk to your kid about sex so she’ll think you’re open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don’t wanna talk about.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person. And nothing pisses a person off more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

I figured I could sow dissension and get a few ties and sweaters.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

I remembered I’m not a Satanist. I’m a druid.
-It’s a Wonderful Lie

“There’s something freeing about being a loser, isn’t there?”
- Games

“Dr. Cuddy -- the face that launched a thousand long faces.”
- Games

“You got three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You’ve gone for column D; why? The simple answer is: if you don’t try, you can’t fail. Are you really that simple?”
- Games

“Odd. You care if I appreciate your music, but you don’t care if you live or die. Maybe the answer really is that simple.”
- Games

“Clinic’s been quarantined. Patient came in complaining of avian flu like symptoms. And fifty extra dollars in spending money.”
- Games

“Minus five for ingratitude. No ‘Thank you, Doctor,’ ‘Here’s a bottle of codeine for your troubles, Doctor.’”
- Games

“Pretty sure there’s no irony-body connection. But it’d be ironic if there was.”
- Games

“You were doing better before you had a good idea.”
- Games

“I’ve heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.”
- Games

“Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonius Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.”
- Games

“You have to leave work by 6pm, but you make time for man dates?”
- You Don't Want to Know

“I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“...Also she's wearing a red bra today. Like I'm the only one who noticed. Means the downstairs will match.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants but that's not going to help with this particular trick...”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Skirt that tight, you got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“You handed over her panties; don't think gallantry's an option at this point.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Cole has traveled through the forest of crustaceans to bring us a treasure. He has earned his reward.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Would've been more impressive if he'd predicted he wasn't gonna die. Course that takes longer.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“I noticed a trend: if no one does anything, sick people often get sicker.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“You let her greedy fingers right into my cookie jar. Which, sadly, is not as dirty as it sounds.”
- You Don't Want to Know

“Can I stare at your wardrobe and question your ass?”
- Ugly

“The less obvious point is, I need my team to be unafraid of the metaphorical fart.”
- Ugly

“My eyes look better in rooms with summer colors.”
- Ugly

“I became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams.”
- Ugly

“Because she’s got way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.”
- Ugly

“If you want fair, you picked the wrong job, and the wrong profession. And the wrong species. Treat this patient just like he’s just another really, really, ugly kid.”
- Ugly

“You’re right about me being wrong and wrong about you being right.”
- Ugly

“To do what I always do in these situations. Treat my patient behind his back and make him better.”
- Ugly

“Just a warning: if we have to start getting ‘consent’ every time we do a procedure, soon it’ll be ‘informed’ consent they’ll want.”
- Ugly

“You think your dad wants to kill you because you’re so ugly? Be grateful, anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth.”
- Ugly

“Come on kid, you’re ugly. Means you gotta be smart enough to know there’s a bigger issue here than your face.”
- Ugly

“Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?”
- Ugly

“Bad ideas indicate an open mind.”
- Ugly

“We dismissed Lyme Disease hours ago. Put on some mascara and try again.”
- Ugly

“How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?”
- Ugly

“Nothing says thanks for saving my life like a test drive in a car that accelerates as fast as the Space Shuttle.”
- Whatever it Takes

“If I have to walk somewhere, there better be at least five girls involved. And they’d better be working their way through college.”
- Whatever it Takes

“My malpractice insurance doesn’t cover alien autopsies.”
- Whatever it Takes

“Horse chestnuts may look like chestnuts, but they taste like a horse’s lower-than-chest-nuts. Which makes the idea he accidentally ate a couple hundred ridiculous.”
- Whatever it Takes

“Does the ‘I’ in CIA stand for Irony?”
- Whatever it Takes

“I’m sorry, who you gonna marginalize?  If it’s the housekeeper, she’s got it coming. Cleaning windows means cleaning both sides.”
- Whatever it Takes

“I know it’d be cool and all but sorry -- the Empire didn’t develop a death toxin to go with their death star.”
- Whatever it Takes

“You gotta get over here. They got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy’s vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but…”
- Whatever it Takes

“My friends call me ‘The Cane.’ Even before I messed up my leg.”
- Whatever it Takes

“So, um, if I need them, where exactly will Dr. Foreman be keeping my balls?”
- Mirror Mirror

“Did you get a raise, because then you’re a whore. Or didn’t you, because then you’re a stupid whore.”
- Mirror Mirror

“If his name was Attila Von Weinershnitzel I’d say you’re onto something.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Because if you deal with the patient, he’ll start singing Osmonds songs and proposing to five nurses at once.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Any country with that low an age of consent but that high a rate of suicide isn’t thinking straight.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Who here doesn’t have any health insurance? None? None at all? Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests and private rooms for these patients. Fight the power!”
- Mirror Mirror

“Someone’s gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That’s how I stay so happy.”
- Mirror Mirror

“Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa’s lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system’s the police. Seriously Grumpy, get up here, it’ll make us both happy.”
- Mirror Mirror

“So now you’ve electrocuted yourself and set a patient on fire. I like the dedication.”
- Mirror Mirror

“People don’t learn; people don’t change. But you did. You’re a freak.”
- Mirror Mirror

“I’m a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.”
- Guardian Angels

“You actually think I’d take a patient who had a seizure in a funeral home if the ER hadn’t already ruled out embalming fluid?”
- Guardian Angels

“Don’t think of it as digging up a body; think of it as keeping another one from getting buried.”
- Guardian Angels

Cuddy: “Doctor’s lounge is covered in mud.”
House: “Thirteen and Manipulative Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was out of jello.”
- Guardian Angels

“Just a little piece of the brain. Seemed a waste, the guy wasn’t using it anymore.”
- Guardian Angels

“Does my breath smell bated to you?”
- Guardian Angels

“I can’t ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; it’d be insensitive.”
- Guardian Angels

“Great. The only way he could turn down any more cheeks is by pulling down his pants.”
- Guardian Angels

“You couldn’t let her get to second base to get the test done?”
- Guardian Angels

“If your organs dangle, you’re the confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you’re the yanks.”
- 97 Seconds

“Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?”
- 97 Seconds

“I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn’t have to listen that closely.”
- 97 Seconds

“So we have a new symptom to explain; why does his throat think his lungs are his stomach?”
- 97 Seconds

“I check this little box and your new roommates are Jesus and Crazy McLoonybin -- that guy never had a chance.”
- 97 Seconds

“Suddenly you’re shy? You pooped your pants in front of me. One of the nasty side-effects of dying.”
- 97 Seconds

“You don’t think non-answers tell me anything?”
- 97 Seconds

“Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one; just one truck comes; and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.”
- 97 Seconds

“Oh God, I’m tired of hearing that argument. I don’t have to go to Detroit to know it smells.”
- 97 Seconds

“Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I’d never hear the end of it.”
- 97 Seconds

“You many not have legs, but you have ears.  I suggest you use them.”
- The Right Stuff

“Oh Yeah, twenty minutes in my office schmoozing about their love of Algerian surfing movies is a much better system.”
- The Right Stuff

Greta: “I’m a Captain in the Air Force; about to start a new assignment. NASA’s astronaut training program.”
House: “I discovered salt and created FM radio.”
- The Right Stuff

“Heeeeeeeeere’s Osama!”
- The Right Stuff

“Seventeen’s a stupid number.”
- The Right Stuff

“Stop it! This argument’s distracting every male and lesbian here.”
- The Right Stuff

“Paging me during Judge Judy -- not a good way to win my affections.”
- The Right Stuff

“So you called me? The guy with one good leg and zero leverage.”
- The Right Stuff

“Luckily violence isn’t the last resort. Extortion is. Go ahead. Extort her.”
- The Right Stuff

“Rational arguments don’t usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be religious people.”
- The Right Stuff

“It’s a myth that fake hooters blow up at high altitude; she’ll be fine. It is a myth, isn’t it? Just think of it as one giant rack for mankind.”
- The Right Stuff

“Would you condemn this woman to a life where people look at her face when they talk to her?”
- The Right Stuff

“And don’t forget her chesticles.”
- The Right Stuff

“The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.”
- The Right Stuff

“I don’t know who’s been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but hopefully they’re already fired.”
- The Right Stuff

Cuddy: "Where did you come from?"
House: "Apes, if you believe the Democrats."
- Alone

"I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head."
- Alone

“Interview? You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can’t hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don’t like having sex with them?”
- Alone

House: “Are you a fan of symmetry?”
Young Doctor: “Sure.”
House: “Weird, because your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.”
- Alone

“By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup.”
- Alone

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