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Memorable quotes for
Tropic Thunder (2008) More at IMDbPro »

Kirk Lazarus: Yo, assholes, this motherfucker's dead!
Tugg Speedman: [picks up severed head] I think I can spot a prop head when I see one!
[people around him gag while he plays with the head]

Kirk Lazarus: I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!

Les Grossman: Now I want you to take a step back... and literally fuck your own face!

Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me.

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, "you people?"
Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, "you people?"
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?

Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...
[pause]
Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Mama, I'll see you again tonight in my head movies. But this head movies makes my eyes rain!

Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You're the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us?
Tugg Speedman: [pause] I'm a rooster illusion.
Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.

Kirk Lazarus: Cover me, limp dick fuck-ups!

Jeff Portnoy: [to Four Leaf] You grew hands?

Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.

Cody: Damian, what's the dealie dude? Are we gonna blow up this tree line or what? Tuk-Tuk and Kim got the blue balls and I wanna let em squirt it for a go... Peter, can he hear me?
[one of the men bring a box to Cody]
Cody: That's C-4, dipshit. Put that back. I said a detonator! I need some dudes who speak American god dammit! He's making a fucking sweater here, I'm tryin' to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.

Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Wow. 8 Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Les Grossman: I couldn't have done it without you.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Really?
Les Grossman: No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
Les Grossman: Ah... joking.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay]
Jeff Portnoy: Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now.
Alpa Chino: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy!
Jeff Portnoy: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

[Tugg has just killed a panda]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!

Tugg Speedman: [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I 'm going to call you half-squat, and you can call me... papa

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You make my pee-pee maker t-t-tingle.

Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.

Cody: [after blowing up a row of palm trees with napalm] Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!

Rick Peck: I got the TiVo!

Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

Cody: I don't know what it's called; I only know the sound it makes when it *lies*!

Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe... is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[turns on Flo Rider's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat]
Les Grossman: See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun! Ask... and you shall receive!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: [dancing along] Right...
Les Grossman: You play ball... we play ball. I knoowwww... you want the goodies!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Welcome to the goodie room!
Les Grossman: You paying attention? I'm talking... G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa... playa! Big dick playa!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Swinging past ya knees!
Les Grossman: Big dick, baby!
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Yep.
Les Grossman: [turns off the music] Or... you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick Peck: Now let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone, for some money and a G5?
Les Grossman: Yes.
Rick Peck: [pause] A G5 airplane?
Les Grossman: Yes... and lots of money... playaaaa!
[turns on the music and dances again]

Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over."
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?

Byong: We no get money yet. Price now 100 million. You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack Die!
Les Grossman: Great. Let me get this down. 100 million... Oh, wait! I got a better idea. Instead of a hundred million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.

Scorcher Preview Narrator: Now, the only person who could make a difference before, will make a difference again!

Cody: [rigging a bridge with explosives] That's it! I'm going into catering after this!

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...

Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man, you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's in the story"... What's her name?
Alpa Chino: ...Lance
Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?
Alpa Chino: No! No, I didn't say Lance. I said Nance.
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded a lot like Lance.
Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Alpa Chino when he told them he wanted to ask Lance out] When you wrote "I love the Pussy" were you thinking of danglin' your dice on Lance's forehead?

Les Grossman: Let's face it, the kids aren't exactly dressing up as The Scorcher for Purim anymore.

Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!

Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

[Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Cody: Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four Leaf Tayback: I have no idea, I've never been outside the states.
Cody: Wait what? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Dude you weren't even in the fucking service?
Four Leaf Tayback: Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
Cody: Coast Guard.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department.
Cody: Oh my god! You're a fucking garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole U.S. of A.!
Four Leaf Tayback: I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot!
Cody: Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - it's like punching the American Flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
Four Leaf Tayback: I lie all the time!
Cody: [a guard bursts in] Can I be tied to another post please?

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You m-m-m-mmm-m-make me happy.

Kirk Lazarus: You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.

Kevin Sandusky: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
[hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.

Jeff Portnoy: I don't wanna die like Hendrix man!

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it's time to flip the script! We'll get to Chinese New Year waitin' for my man to cry.

Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your breaks, kid, that man's a national treasure.

Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

Jeff Portnoy: [after catching the bat that stole his drugs] Ha! Motherfucker ODed!

Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard a bit.

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.

Kirk Lazarus: [Alpa reveals he is gay] Man, everyone is Gay once in a while! It's Hollywood!
Alpa Chino: I'm not gay! I love tha pussy!

Les Grossman: [communicating with the production team in a video conference] Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn: Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.
Les Grossman: And who here is the key grip?
[the key grip raises his hand]
Les Grossman: You? You! Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard!
Key Grip: [reluctantly walks over to Damien] Sorry, man.
[punches him in the face]
Les Grossman: This is all your fault, you limey FUCK!

Les Grossman: I will fucking massacre you!

Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin' me, ya pasty teabag! I'm goin' potty. Wanna hold my dick?

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We're tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking lost!
Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is!

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."

Les Grossman: Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring...

Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass...

Kirk Lazarus: Let's make lemonade.

Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...
Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...
[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...
Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...
[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

[as Father O'Mallie from the "Satan's Alley" trailer]
Kirk Lazarus: I've been a bad boy, father.

Cody: [setting off a rig of explosives] Big ass titties!

Les Grossman: First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of pan-pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia Jack is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

Jeff Portnoy: [shoves drugs in guards' faces] Take this you bastards! Oh hilarious!
[the guards drop to the ground]
Jeff Portnoy: Let's move! We only have 16 hours before they wake up!

Alpa Chino: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus: [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crickey fuck is Half Squat?

Kirk Lazarus: Can I tell you that I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in...
Alpa Chino: In being a dumbass?
Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.
Alpa Chino: Why you still doing this Chicken George shit, I have no idea.
Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I. It's beyond me.
Alpa Chino: It's beyond me.
Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me.
Alpa Chino: You confused.
Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.
Alpa Chino: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: But are we cool?
Alpa Chino: Not really.

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie.
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack! I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid.

Alpa Chino: [slaps Lazarus] Told you I'd tag you back.
Kirk Lazarus: Did I tell you I was sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in bein'...
Alpa Chino: In bein' a dumbass?
Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.
Alpa Chino: Why you're still doin' this chicken-door shit? I have no idea.
Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I.
Alpa Chino: It's beyond me.
Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me.
Alpa Chino: You're confused.
Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.
Alpa Chino: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: [after a long pause] But are we cool?
Alpa Chino: Not really.

Kirk Lazarus: Here's my mothafuckin' farm!
[pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping]
Kirk Lazarus: I'm a lead farmer, mothafucka!

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie!
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines.
Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax!
Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-
[is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back]
Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa Chino: What the fuck?
Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby...
Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help.
Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true.

Kirk Lazarus: [in an interview on Access Hollywood] Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion.

[opening line]
Four Leaf Tayback: In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. The objective: rescue Sgt. Four Leaf Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near-suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. And of those two, only one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.

Four Leaf Tayback: Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.
Les Grossman: [beat] Who is this guy?
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Les, that's Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback: Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Les Grossman: Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job!

Kirk Lazarus: Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.

Kevin Sandusky: Don't drink that water! That water's like a petri dish! Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?

Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!
Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all...

[Peck emerges from the jungle with the TiVo as the helicopter's leaving]
Kevin Sandusky: What the fuck?

Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?
Tugg Speedman: I don't know, but you need to tell them.
[Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge]
Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!
Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go!
Kirk Lazarus: You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands?

Cody: Just say no to this, you drug-making midget!
[an explosion occurs]
Cody: Oh my God! I am moving to catering after this!

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude!
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You're a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: - by playing other dudes?

Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.
Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy?
Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman.
Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?

Kirk Lazarus: Here's my motherfuckin' farm! I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!

Alpa Chino: [Cody and Four-Leaf are tied to a post] What're you guys doing here?
Cody: He has hands!
Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien!
Cody: Bullshit!
Four Leaf Tayback: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis!
Cody: Almost!
Alpa Chino: What're you talking about? Damien stepped on an old land mine.
Cody: Oh, sweet, thank God!

Kirk Lazarus: Man, everyone's gay once in a while! This Hollywood!

Kevin Sandusky: Hey, Radar. Elvins.
Kevin Sandusky: It's Kevin.
Jeff Portnoy: Kev - whatever the fuck, come over here. I didn't tell you, but Fatties Fart 3 is coming down the pike and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.
Jeff Portnoy: Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Kevin Sandusky: Jesus, man!
Jeff Portnoy: Hey, man, remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore? I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.

Rick Peck: How's the adoption thing going?
Tugg Speedman: Not good.
Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I'm stuck with mine.

Kirk Lazarus: Can I tell you that I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I guess I just got caught up in...
Alpa Chino: In being a dumbass.
Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.
Alpa Chino: Why you're still doing this Chicken George shit, I have no idea.
Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I.
Alpa Chino: It's beyond me.
Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me.
Alpa Chino: You're confused.
Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.
Alpa Chino: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: [pause] But are we cool?
Alpa Chino: Not really.

Rick Peck: [about Speedman] They're going to kill him!
Les Grossman: And we'll weep for him... in the press, set up a scholarship in his name, eventually - and I'm talkin' way, way down the road - we file an insurance claim.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose.

Les Grossman: We don't negotiate with terrorists.

[unrated version]
Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin' me ya pasty teabag! I'm goin potty... wanna hold my dick?

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half-Squat
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crickey fuck is "Half-Squat"?

Jeff Portnoy: [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!

Les Grossman: Fuck the jungle!

Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit!

Tugg Speedman: Look, Kirk, no offense. I know you're the big, fancy actor here, but I've done alot of effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot...
[Picks up Damien's severed head]
Tugg Speedman: a prop head when I see one!
[People around him gag]
Tugg Speedman: It's corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex.
[Digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste; gets disgusted look on his face]
Tugg Speedman: Warm... blood-flavored corn syrup.

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here.
Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: For certain man.
Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm?
Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you...
Tugg Speedman: You don't know.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Special Effects Assistant: They're bustin' caps like a muthafucka down there.
[pause]
Special Effects Assistant: This is F.U.B.A.R. I say we juice 'em, what do you think?
Four Leaf Tayback: Juice 'em.
Special Effects Assistant: [triggers the C4] Big ass titties!

Kirk Lazarus: [referring to Damien dying] He ain't acting like God. He being judged by him.

Rick Peck: You can't be serious?
Les Grossman: You kick in the door to my house all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap for the 3rd runner-up "sexiest man alive" 1998... And you're asking if I'm SERIOUS?

Kirk Lazarus: Cover me!
Kevin Sandusky: [Others are yelling at him to come back in helicopter] How do we cover him?

Kevin Sandusky: [Jeff staring at heroin] Jeff! Don't!
Jeff Portnoy: Doesn't matter what I do. I'll always be a screw-up no one will ever respect me.
Kevin Sandusky: That is not true, you're not screw-up you make so many people laugh.
Jeff Portnoy: They only laugh at my farts.
Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, we really need to go now!
Jeff Portnoy: This is all I deserve.
[Jeff grabs the pile heroin]

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman: You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!

Kevin Sandusky: [to Jeff] I got a baaaad feeling on this one there, Fats.
Jeff Portnoy: [as Brooklyn] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang!

Kirk Lazarus: How's it goin' with that map, Chief?
Tugg Speedman: Huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Can I have a look at it?
Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah. Damien gave it to me, remember?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
Tugg Speedman: Uh-Huh. Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Okay.
Tugg Speedman: I got it.
Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.
Tugg Speedman: Thank you.
Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. I'm just. Dude, I'm tryin'. I got your back man.
Tugg Speedman: Well I-I'm cool, alright?
Kirk Lazarus: You are cool?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, but...
Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslectic?
Tugg Speedman: No, the character is not dyslec...
Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer!

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