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The Tesla Roadster

tesla cheesecake shot

The news reports I've seen about the Tesla Roadster read just like advertising copy. Apparently reporters get within five feet of this car and the sheer testosterone-stimulating magnetism overwhelms them.

red tesla with crowd

Do I sound jealous?

No, it's all right...I admit it. I am.

Here's what you probably should know before you fall hopelessly in love, like the rest of us did. It won't help one BIT, but I'll tell you anyway; )

Two weeks after Tesla started taking orders for the first 100 of these, they were sold out. Customers more or less paid for them up front, to be delivered by the end of the year, let's hope.

Oh, and those lovestruck fools paid 100,000 dollars apiece for them, I should add. Up front, did I already say that? Now, to be fair, a hundred grand is not bad in the language of lust-mobile race cars. And she's not your Momma's race car, either...

red tesla ...not when you can achieve 60mph in less than four seconds from a dead standstill.

Mah GOODness, Momma's Lotus is still sitting back there at the stoplight. And look at her! A car that looks like that should probably put something on, don't you think? At least a bikini. red tesla in evening wear
Okay, I suppose you could wrap her in a full-length PARKA and she'd still look pretty sleek. If you'd like to visit her website, click here.

Features? Yes.

Get this: I think I read this on Tesla's blog, which you're welcome to visit and pant and drool like the rest of us, btw... have to use a PIN to start her up, for security (sounds like tech support HELL to me, but whatever. Oops, there goes the green-eyed monster again; ).

...there's a VALET mode, so that the high-school kid parking your car outside Palomino won't take your Precious on two-hour joyride through the University District, doing his own 0-60 in how many seconds research project.

tesla interior ...the noise Precious makes while winding up to her top speed of 135mph (but, her Daddy points out quite sensibly, who's gonna do that, anyway? You'll be lucky to see 90 on the speedometer, not because she can't do it, oh no...but because the roads aren't racetracks. And if you thought your 911 was a cop-magnet, well, Precious is an EVERYBODY magnet. ) whew! Little sidetracked there. As I was saying, the NOISE Precious makes while winding up to her top speed is NOTHING compared to that infernal racket your Jag's dinosaur-swilling 12 bombards you (and your passengers, and your neighbors) with. It's more of a delicious moan, apparently.Yeah, yeah, doing it again, sorry.


...What else? Precious has been safety-tested to within an inch of her life, and as lust-mobiles go, she's solid. The charging up process, the batteries, the (lovely, curvy, perfectly proportioned) body, all very safe. There are a couple of neat safety features on the charger-car interface, as in: it won't start or move while plugged in, and there's a smoke alarm with an automatic shutdown in case anything should - heaven forbid! - catch fire.

You can carry a passenger, but not much else. Forget the groceries.

cheesecake costs practically nothing to drive it, unlike your Momma's high-octane chugging Lotus. has a range of 250 miles, which frankly EMBARRASSES the rest of the electric cars out there, with their 30 mile range.

...lithium ion batteries, some ridiculous number of them like six thousand individual cells, but it seems to work.
tesla parked ...the Governator got to test drive one at the car show. I think Precious has a future as the mascot of California.

Well, anyway, they're going to start taking orders on the 2008's pretty soon. Smash your piggybank, go to and get in LINE, baby.

Update: Too late for the 2008 already. What did that take, another two weeks to fill up the waiting list? Your consolation prize is free WALLPAPER.
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