The ISIHAC
Humph's Intro's Page

At this special festive season, I inevitably find my thoughts turning to those three ancient men who followed a star. It's taken all year, but I've finally shaken them off.

The teams travelled the length and breadth of the kingdom in 1998. They went to Leeds & Portsmouth, and then set off again from Glasgow to Cardiff, before ending up in Birmingham. This was partly due to their desire to see as many fans as possible, but mainly thanks to their hiring a ludicrously cheap minicab.

My faithful assistant Samantha is here and ready to help impart the spirit of the season to our many loyal listeners, and around us are many seasonal cards, including this one from a Mrs. Trellis of North Wales. Her message is just typical of the thousands we receive each Christmas...from Mrs. Trellis. It reads:

Did you see the little robin,
With his red breast plump and perky?
He flew in my kitchen window
And got roasted with the turkey.

The story of Hastings only really begins with the famous battle, which was faught at a nearby town called Battle...now what are the chances of that happening? In September 1066, William the Conqueror assembled his forces across the Channel and set sail with his army of nine thousand Normans, after one of the most confusing roll-calls ever taken. The battle took place around Senlack Hill, and after a full days' fighting, the English were defeated, and King Harold was struck in the eye by an arrow. He was carried to the Hastings Free Hospital, where he was pronounced dead, and from there to a fee-paying one, where his condition was upgraded to 'alive'.

In the years following the invasion, Sussex was split into feifdoms, or 'seas' as they were known, and the Sea of Hastings passed into the control of Bishop Ralph Le Bon. Sadly, the town serfs refused to take his rule seriously after he renamed the keep 'Le Bon Sea Castle'. For over a thousand years now, that fine motte and bailey castle has stood to defend the town, and repel unwelcome visitors - not always successfully. Let's meet the teams...

Hastings joined with Romney, Hythe, Dover and Sandwich to form a brotherhood of coastal towns in 1067, intended to defend England from any cross-Channel invasion; they took the crest of a running horse rampant and stable door bolted.

By 1293, Hastings harbour had silted up, and the town went into decline until the 17th century, when London doctors began to prescribe the taking of sea air as a cure for respiratory diseases. Soon, over a hundred wagons a week were arriving from London to collect sea air. On each barrel, an excise duty of three shillings was levied, and this led to the growth of smuggling in Hastings, with ships arriving at night laden with illicitly imported French air. This practice was soon discovered however, as patients developed the side effect of an insatiable urge to urinate by the side of the road.

In the 20th century, Hastings became notable as the birthplace of television, as its inventor, Logie Baird, lived here, with his companion Boo-Boo.

Among many other local tourist attractions, and the top of every visitors' list, is Buckley's Yesterdays World. Here, one can step back through the ages to discover how ordinary people of long ago lived, and how they amused themselves..but as it's closed at this time of day, let's meet the teams...

A settlement is first recorded in the area during the Iron Age, when a Celtic tribe discovered ferrous ore deposits, learnt how to extract iron, and settled here to build their dwellings. Two centuries later, the invading Romans named this tribe the Coritani, being the Latin word for 'people whose houses have rusted away'.

In 1485, Richard III stayed here on the eve of the battle of Bosworth. He took lodgings at the White Boar Inn, where he famously insisted on taking his own bed. As the inn has since become a Travelodge, many guests today wisely choose to do the same.

The former England footballer Gary Lineker was born here into a family of greengrocers, which explains why whenever he took a shot at goal, the ball was always just a little bit over.

Leicester was also the birthplace of John Merrick, whose life was immortalised in the film 'The Elephant Man', featuring John Hurt in the lead role of Dumbo.

Despite being very much a forward looking city, Leicester today is keen to retain at least a few small reminders of the past...Let's meet the teams...

Many of Leicester's place names emanate from its 9th century Danish occupation, including Deangate, Wiggesdon Lane and Unsmokedrindless Street.

The founder of the English parliament, Simon De Montfort, was born here, and one of the city's concert halls was named in his honour, after he took the title 'Third Baron De Bingo On Tuesdays'.

Over the following centuries, Leicester became known for the fine quality of its textile manufacture. Towards the end of the Civil War, Charles I came here, and bought three items of clothing, including the two shirts he wore at his execution. Luckily his wife had the foresight to keep the receipt for the hat.

Nearby places of interest include Melton Mowbray - home of the pork pie. The recipe to the original pork pie is a closely guarded secret, but its known to rely on using pork from a specific breed of pig that produces a copious amount of gelatinous fatty grease. Many breeders have successfully raised such pigs, but none has ever managed to catch hold of one.

The many well known names associated with the town include W.G. Grace, who, in partnership with his brother, founded the department store made famous by Mrs. Slocombe and Captain Peacock.

Leicester also has plenty to offer those in search of culture; the city's museum and art gallery houses what was believed to be Britain's largest dinosaur, until the advent of ITV Digital. But there's more to Leicester today than well-known dinosaurs...Let's meet the teams...

Bradford is not only a tiny picturesque village of mellow Bath stone cottages, nestling along the banks of the river Avon, but is also 150 miles away in Wiltshire, as today we're in the Yorkshire city of Bradford, which boasts a rich and varied history.

The name of the town is derived from 'broad ford' because of the river crossing here, which was wide and convenient for dumping stolen Escorts. Originally a small Saxon village, little of the original settlement survives, apart from a fine 15th century cathedral, which took 194 years to complete. A construction period of nearly two centuries may seem ridiculous to us, but of course builders were a lot quicker in those days.

The town's prosperity grew thanks to the wool trade, and during the Royalist seige of the Civil War, balls of wool were even hung on the city walls to protect them from cannon fire. This proved largely ineffective, as the Royalists hurled large numbers of playful kittens to bat them and unroll them.

[ The townsfolk were put to the sword by the order of the Earl Of Newcastle, however, whilst sleeping in nearby Bolling Hall, the Earl was famously visited by a ghostly apparation that shocked him into a catatonic state. Discovered motionless the following morning, the Earl was taken to the Bradford Free Hospital, where he was pronounced dead, and then to a fee paying one where his condition was upgraded to 'alive' Not broadcast]

The productivity of the woollen mills was raised beyond measure in 1798 with the arrival of steam power. The engineer James Watt, who having noticed how the steam from a boiling kettle forced its lid open, was inspired to build his labour-saving machine. With reciprocating three foot piston cylinders, connected by a massive cast-iron cantilever beam, Watt had created the world first seven ton teasmade.

[ Other names associated with Bradford include the three Brontë sisters who lived and worked here. Anne Brontë wrote 'The Tenant Of Wildfell Hall' under the pen-name Acton Belle, Charlotte wrote 'Jane Eyre' as Pura Bell, and most famous of all was Emily, who wrote 'Wuthering Heights' under the pen-name Kate Bush Not broadcast]

Bradford was also known for the excellence of its Edwardian theatre, which pioneered pantomime, music hall and classical drama. It was here in 1905 that the great actor/manager Sir Henry Irving, then in the twilight of his life, made his last performance. Having given a hushed audience his bloody Thomas A'Becket murder scene, Irving sadly collapsed and died. It was most unfortunate, as he was actually playing Widow Twanky at the time. But there's more to Bradford today than just famous people dying on stage...Let's meet the teams...

[ Research notes on the Alhambra reveal that this wonderfully impressive Moorish building was constructed during the 11th century by the Arabic Zeridian rulers Not broadcast] The magnificence of the Alhambra attracts visitors from the world over, who, as they marvel at its Andalusian splendour and take in the breathtaking vistas afforded by the snow-capped Sierra Nevada, pause only to question whether they might have come to the wrong part of West Yorkshire.

Bradford's heritage lies in the industrial growth of the Victorian era. Thanks to the local abundance of coal and iron ore, the city boasts many educational establishments of technical excellence, producing the world's finest mechanical, electrical and civil engineering graduates, who these days go on to work in some of Cardiff's finest call centres.

Bradford is also known for the arts, and the composer Frederick Delius was born here. He, of course, wrote 'Sonata for Strings' and 'Dance Rhapsody No. 2', but is perhaps best remembered for 'Delius - How To Cook'.

Every industry at one time flourished here, and in 1952 the Bradford manufactured Jowett Javelin motor car won the prestigious non-stop Le Mans 24 hour race - possibly the last time a British built motor car ran for a whole day without breaking down.

[ Over at the Moorside Mills Industrial Museum, there are preserved back-to-back cottages, toured by horse buses, with their special wide steps to allow the horses easy access to the top deck Not broadcast]

Acknowledging the city's agricultural links is Bradford City Farm. City farms are places where the visitors can taste the experience of authentic farm life by watching sheep and cattle being force-fed spinal cord, before being chased off his land by a miserable gun-toting farmer. However, Bradford City Farm is not like this as we know following our visit...from the BBC libel lawyer.

[ Thanks to the foresight of imaginative Victorian architects, Bradford of today retains many reminders of its prosperous heritage. As a prime example, the ornate City Hall is based on Italian renaissance designs, with its magnificent clock tower taken from the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence where the city fathers are understandably keen to get it back Not broadcast]

Bradford today is a city with many links to remind of a bygone age which many are happy to forget...Let's meet the teams...

What a different place Britain was back in 1972 - the first series of 'Last Of The Summer Wine' had only just begun its seventeenth repeat; and there were just three television channels, showing a limited selection of comedy, drama, news and sport. How TV has changed today, with digital technology providing many hundreds of channels showing a dazzling variety of gardening.

The Britain of 1972 was in economic turmoil as car factories, docks and coal mines were hit by strikes, mass walkouts and picket lines - three curses eliminated by later governments...car factories, docks and coal mines.

Also that year, the plan to build a channel tunnel was scrapped amid fears that thousands of poverty-striken migrants might attempt to rush through it; so the government of the day sensibly decided not to let us out.

On the world stage, U.S. President Richard Nixon was re-elected, and quickly appointed Spiro T. Agnew as his vice-anagram. Nixon became the first ever American leader to visit China. He was invited to Peking to mend a governmental rift, as Mao Tse Tung was fed up having to use the escarator. President Nixon later became known as 'Tricky Dicky' after the Watergate affair, as later did President Clinton after the Lewinsky affair.

Also in America that year, Charles Atlas died, and at a huge funeral in his home town, mourners queued up to kick sand in his grave.

Back home in April 1972, Britain was still grappling with the complexities of decimal currency. At the time it was feared that decimalisation might lead to inflation, with the price of consumer items such as a gallon of petrol being sneakily rounded up from three shillings and sixpence to two pounds fifty.

We've returned here to the Playhouse Theatre where our very first show was made on April 4th, 30 years ago, and as the teams arrived in their usual garb of tie-dye T shirts, paisley cravats and flared loon pants, I couldn't help but try to remember what they wore back in 1972...

Many of today's Christmas customs are based on earlier rituals. The traditional flaming Christmas pudding, for example, dates back to the 17th century, when a form of stiff porridge was made containing plums, preserved quinces, lemon peel, ox blood and grated pig's livers, all bound together with goose fat - no wonder they set fire to it. As it was prepared, children would be treated to a lick of the mixing bowl on what was known as 'stir-up Sunday'...that being the day before 'throw-up Monday'.

We still also have the tradition of eating mince pies dating back to the last century, so be careful to check the sell-by dates, but of all traditions, no Christmas would be complete without a great big turkey that seems to last forever. Contributing to this one...please welcome the teams!

The town originally grew as a port, and it was from here in 1497 that John Cabot set off to find a new route to the Spice Islands by sailing North-West. Instead, he discovered a strange, hostile world, which he named Newfoundland, until the natives explained that they actually called it Swansea. Later, Cabot landed in America while looking for India, Mexico while trying to find Australia, and Brazil when sailing to Japan. He eventually returned to retire in Bristol where his descendants are to be found to this day...running a mini-cab firm.

These days, several famous names live here, including the television actor Tony Robinson, who so hilariously plays the scruffy, idiot sidekick in...Time Team. Another resident is Paul McGann from the famous actor family which includes his brothers Joe, Mark and Renault.

Incidentally, there was a time when actors weren't popular in Bristol, as they were considered to lower the city's tone, so the local council sent letters to all the famous stars, asking them to stay away. Let's meet four performers who were never on their mailing list...

In its heyday, Bristol's dock area was known for its many taverns, and it was in one of these that Daniel Defoe met Alexander Selkirk. Over many hours, during a long evening of ales and porters, Selkirk regailed Defoe with his endless stories. It was this meeting that inspired Defoe to write his most famous novel - 'How I Had My Arse Bored Off By A Drunken Scotsman'. Defoe later went on to write Robinson Crusoe, based on Selkirk's story of being stranded on a desert island with the company of just one other human, whom he named 'Sue Lawley'.

In the 19th century, the docks became central to Bristol's industrialisation, and two great monuments to this period remain today - the Clifton Suspension Bridge, and the SS Great Britain. With its mighty stone block towers and steel rope construction, it's little wonder the ship sank on her maiden voyage, after she was hit by a huge paddle-wheel that fell off the bridge. In those days, clocks in Bristol and the West Country were between 10 and 20 minutes behind London, but with the coming of the railway, these had to be 'regularised'. Some towns refused to comply, however, and to this day when it's 12 noon in London, in Weston-Super-Mare it's still...1963.

In 1910, Britain's first commercial aircraft factory was established at nearby Filton to manufacture the 'Bristol Boxkite'. Despite the Boxkite's limited range, commercial flights soon began, with routes going as far as...the string would stretch. In the 1950's, the factory turned to making luxury cars such as the 'Bristol Bulldog' and the 'Bristol 401', which still have an enthusiastic following today. Every summer, the owner's club meets to display their classic vehicles, and while they chat and swop stories, members' wives proudly clean and polish their Bristols which are then displayed and judged by the mayor.

We are today guests of the Theatre Royal in Bristol. As the oldest theatre in Britain, it still retains many interesting architectural features, including a Georgian proscenium arch and Victorian gas-lamp holders. And if the audience should care to look upwards, they'll see the ornately decorated ceiling is studded with stars. If they look at the stage, however...

A settlement is recorded here as long ago as 3000 B.C., when Celtic Druids practiced their ancient worship of oats, mistletoe and virgin maidens, and indeed, oats and mistletoe are still plentiful in Brighton.

Proud of its heritage, Brighton city council has taken to naming its buses after local landmarks and people, such as the boxer Chris Eubank, the Devil's Dyke Julie Birchill, and a nice couple from Hove - Mr. & Mrs. 23B.

Whilst the Brighton of today is best known for its fashionable chic and the stylish modernity of its young and vibrant population, there are extreme contrasts...Let's meet four of them...

An ancient settlement was recorded here by the Romans, who noted the area for its neolithic camp...a style later replaced by the Anglo-Saxon mince.

Much of the southern town had to be reconstructed following the disastrous sea floods of 1705, and this is commemorated in place names such as High-Tide Alley, Seaweed Row, and Toilet-Roll-Round-The-Ankle Lane.

With the new Georgian splendour afforded by the patronage of George, the Prince Regent, came Brighton's first pier - the Chain Pier - completed in 1823. It was so called because of its tensioned chain construction, and was the scene of much revellry. However, in 1837 it sadly collapsed when a drunk went to the toilet and over-enthusiastically pulled the nearest flush.

In 2001, Brighton was finally honoured by being offically designated a city, a move which it is hoped will attract a better class of visitor, rather than the seedy, unsavoury, shabby types of old. Until then, let's meet the teams...

[ The first record of a settlement here dates to 985 A.D., when a grant of land was made to Lady Wulfruna by Ethelred The Unready, in recognition of her marrying his reluctant brother, Ethelred The Unsureaboutit. Following Wulfruna's reorganisation of England's boundaries, the only existing map of England was redrawn here before being returned to the king. The process took a team of monks a total of eighty-one years - that was six months to redraw the map, and the rest of the time trying to work out how to fold it back into it's original shape. Not broadcast]

During the 15th century, the town prospered thanks to the wool trade, which was controlled by the Leverson family, who owned much of Wolverhampton. Their long-standing interest in sheep is evidenced by place names such as Mutton Street, Woollen Alley and Hand-Wash-Only Lane, where stands a fine statue of a handsome marino sheep with old Jeremiah Leverson firmly mounted on a plinth.

[ During the Civil War, the young Prince Charles disguised himself and hid for two days in an oak tree outside the town. He was only discovered when a Roundhead soldier spotted a long-haired, twelve stone pigeon nesting on a branch. The country's longest ever serving M.P., Sir Charles Villiers, represented Wolverhampton. Villiers sat permanently on the Westminster back benches for 63 years until he died in 1898...from an acute attack of piles. Not broadcast]

The first ever commercial flights from British soil began here in 1862 when Henry Coxwell began his hot-air balloon service to London. In addition, Coxwell flew charter passengers to Holland, Ireland, Spain, Norway and Canada...before realising that the wind direction kept changing.

[ In 1866, Queen Victoria chose Wolverhampton to make her first public appearance since the death of Prince Albert. After unveiling a statue of her late husband in High Green, it's recorded that she dined on roast chickens, boar's heads, oysters, hams, turkeys, pheasants, partidge and rabbits. In honour of the bereaved Queen, the town renamed the area Greedyfatwidow Street. The Wolverhampton of today is world famous for its fine football team, known universally as Wolves, because they go out at night and scavenge food, and probably the town's most famous contemporary son is the lead singer of the pop group Slade, Noddy Holder. Noddy isn't his real name - his parents in fact named him Pugh Pugh Barney McGrew Cuthbert Dibble Grub Holder Not broadcast]

The town became well-known for the fine houses built by its merchants. One of these, Molyneux Grange, was the original headquarters of Wolverhampton Wanderers Football Club, and became the subject of national interest in 1889, when thieves broke into the trophy room...and made off with the carpet.

Let's meet the teams - they're four comedians who just love entertaining people...who knows, one day they might meet some entertaining people...

In the middle ages, it's recorded that William Shaw, the town dog whipper, was paid six shillings a year to expel dogs from St. John's Church, by gripping them with wooden tongs and whipping them ferociously. He held the post for nearly twenty years until his enthusiasm for the task got the better of him, when he attacked a group of golden labradors, and was subsequently banned from conducting all future tours for the blind.

Jeremiah Chubb, one of the world's most famous locksmiths, came here to set up business as a key cutter and shoe repairer in 1817. Recent renovation work to his premises revealed an original receipt for re-soling a pair of workmen's boots. Following carbon dating analysis of the faded document, the city archivists can provide scientific evidence that the boots will be ready next Thursday.

John 'Iron Mad' Wilkinson built the first iron furnace here in 1767. So keen was he on iron that he built bridges, railways, houses and ships from it. Parish records reveal that at his funeral Wilkinson was even laid to rest in a coffin made from six inch thick iron plate, and that it took nearly eight weeks to cremate him.

In December 1880, great honour was brought to the town when Queen Victoria came to Wolverhampton to decorate the Mayor, Sir Henry Fowler, in the main square, although the practice stopped the following year when the council bought a Christmas Tree instead.

[ Another famous local name is that of Button Gwinnett, who travelled to America, later adding his signature to the Declaration of Independence, and as a result, he was thrown out of the Washington Museum and put on the first plane home Not broadcast]

But there's more to Wolverhampton today than just these dimly remembered characters from the past...Let's meet four more...

The first known settlers here were the Iceni tribe, led by Boadicea in her wars against the invading Romans. Turmoil and confusion were caused by successive battles in 55, 54 and 53 B.C., until someone noticed they were reading the calendar back to front. The iron age Iceni were skilled in metalwork, but their history is sketchy as they were illiterate. What is recorded is that Queen Bo Derek bottled against the Mormon centenarians on her charoot pulled by sick horses. Her Amy finally met deaf feet on the River Wensum, which her worriers crossed by climbing into small boots and piddling into bottle.

As the locality has no indiginous rock supply, Norwich was built largely of flint, and here was born the craft of 'flint-knapping'. Knappers would hold a flint between their thighs to hit it with a lump hammer. These craftsmen gave us the term 'knapsack'...a painful medical condition caused by missing the flint.

Later the city became populated by Flemish weavers, who brought with them the art of canary breeding, and in a recently converted Norwich church is found the National Canary Museum, where visitors are invited to climb the tower, ring the bell, and smack their heads against a small mirror.

Modern Norwich is also famous for its six breweries, each providing guided tours and free tastings. Few visitors ever manage to sample the delights of all of them in a single afternoon, but let's meet four who did...

The future King, Henry Tudor, set up base here, when the Houses of York and Lancaster fought the Wars of the Roses, for control of the chocolate sweet market.

Before entering naval college, Horatio Nelson attended the King Edward VI School. His time here is commemorated by the Norwich pub which bears his name - The Nelson's Arm.

TV cook Delia Smith lives nearby, and as director of Norwich City Football Club, has brought fine food to the terraces, hence the fans' chant of "Who ate all the boeuf en croute with cranberry sauce?"

Another well-known business based here is Norwich Union, the insurance company that was once claimed to be the largest in the world, although this claim was rejected...along with all the others.

Well with us tonight, we have the same four comedians who joined us last week, and you know, when we made that show, I didn't expect them to be half as good...but they were!

This week you find us in Sheffield, a fine city whose history is inextricably linked with steel. The first recorded reference to steel products is found in the works of Chaucer, who mentions the famous 'Sheffield Twittle', an ancestor of the modern pen-knife. With a super sharp blade, and immensly strong retracting spring, Chaucer describes its constant use by a pilgrim, one Edwin The Fingerless.

In the reign of Henry VIII, Sheffield was chosen to supply sets of silver plate for his household. In those days, the term 'cutlery' meant only spoons, which explains the derivation of Her Majesty's exclamation to staff, which to this day is used to begin all Royal feasts: "Oy! Where's my fork'n'knife?"

But a stones-throw from this very theatre is the Wilkinson Memorial, dedicated to Sheffield's most famous razor manufacturer. During the City's annual 'Safety Blade' festival, revellers flock there to enjoy the custom of decorating the statue's face by sticking tiny pieces of tissue to it.

Behind the memorial lies the National Museum of Shaving Requisites, where visitors can inspect a large collection of traditional shaving brushes, or stroll in the grounds, where they'll find shivering, Europe's largest domestic herd of bald badgers. This area is known as the 'Peace Gardens', a place of tranquility, favoured by weary souls...but that's not the only place in Sheffield where seats are provided for a quiet undisturbed half-hour snooze...Let me introduce the teams...

Sheffield Wednesday took its name from the day on which the team played their first ever game, after taking the bus to their original ground just outside the town. If they hadn't chosen to go by First Mainline, they would have been called Sheffield Tuesday Afternoon.

Famous celebrities born in Sheffield include: Michael Palin, whose name is derived from 'planisher' - someone who finished metal by hand; Sean Bean, whose family were 'banders', or craftsmen that made barrel hoops by hand; and Joe Cocker, whose family declined to comment.

For centuries, the city's name has been found on knives the globe over, and in recognition of this achievement, the City Fathers erected a sign on all roads leading into town that reads "Welcome to Sheffield, home of the world's finest cutlery." Not to be outdone, the nearby Peak District council posted a sign reading "Welcome to Bakewell, birthplace of the world's greatest tarts."

Sheffield has also been made famous by the annual World Snooker Championships, where increasingly young players dazzle the packed theatre with their cueing skills. But it's not every show in Sheffield today that involves talented youngsters, or cueing...Let me introduce the teams...

Britain's oldest known song was written here in about 1240. It's early English title "Sumer Is E'Coomin' In E'Hoodas Sing Cuckoo", which to our modern ears seems quite meaningless, translates as "Agadoo-Doo-Doo, Push Pineapple, Shake The Tree".

William Lord, Archbishop of Canterbury from 1633 was born in Broad Street, where W.H. Smith stands, which is evidenced by the Lord family crest of crossed pen and pencil set ardent, topped by readers' wives rampant.

Reading is proud to be the home of the Yellow Pages - and what a boon they are. If you want to unblock a toilet, they'll readily find you a bulldozer to drive through the middle of Slough.

In Silver Street, but a stone's throw from this very theatre, is found 'The Oxford Arms', an ancient hostelry, where hangmen used to take the condemned for a last drink before their execution in the town square. However, the tradition of going out for a few beers in preparation for dying in public hasn't entirely disappeared here...Let's meet the teams...

Visitors may wish to take in the memorial to John Blagrave, the eminent 19th century mathematician and Father of Algebra, although after being ribbed at school, little Algebra changed his name...on the advice of his Aunt, Mrs. Emily Quadratic-Equation.

World fame was brought to Reading by Joseph Huntley, of Huntley & Palmer fame, the philanthropist who provided a row of terraced houses for the poor. Sadly at the official Grand Opening, the ones at each end were found to have developed cracks and quickly crumbled.

Probably Reading's most famous temporary resident was Oscar Wilde, who, in that less enlightened Victorian time, served two years hard labour in prison here, for what the Town's Guide describes as a 'Social Indiscretion'. According to Lord Alfred Douglas, Oscar was as indiscrete as a nine bob note.

Clive Sinclair, who invented the C5, was born here. Commercial success evaded his novel electric scooter, as its range was limited to no more than a few hundred yards...or slightly more if you bought the optional extension lead.

As we can see, Reading is a veritable A to Z of famous names - but what of the ordinary people, whose mundane everyday lives are so rarely exposed to public gaze? Let's meet the teams...

The very name High Wycombe has an interesting derivation - the Saxon word 'Wyc' means a small village community, 'Combe' was the Celtic word for a small depression or hollow, while the middle English 'High' has the same meaning as today, hence the literal translation 'Hello, villagers who live in a hole!'.

The area's wealth was built on the manufacture of traditional furnishings, and High Wycombe quickly became known as the furniture capital of England; and then with the growth in demand for chests of drawers and fancy footstools, Wycombe was elevated to the tall-boy and pouffe capital of Britain.

Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes. Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike.

The Chiltern Hills are famous for the health-giving properties of their fine spring waters, but when bottles were recently discovered to contain urine, they were quickly withdrawn from supermarket shelves...and moved round to the own-brand lager section.

The area is also home to many celebrities, including Sporty Spice, Noel Gallagher and Kate Moss, and according to the official guide, our own Tim Brooke-Taylor lives within spitting distance...So while he wipes himself down, let's meet the other team members...

The town is rightly famous for its wealth of splendid buildings. In the 1890's, the unconventional architect Gaudí devised his 'organic façade' style, developing this genre to its ultimate incarnation in his sensational plans for the dreamlike 'Templus Sagrada Familia', with its massive encrusted towers and swooping majestic visions of fabulous animals. He then decided that neo-Catalan revisionism looked out of place next to Woolworths in the High Street, so he went off and built it in Barcelona.

The area first attracted pilgrims in the Dark Ages when the sick came to take the waters of the local holy wells, which they believed could cure their blindness. This practice had to stop when, despite the warning signs, the deep wells became blocked by the many who'd fallen down them. Let's meet the teams...

Coventry enjoys several Royal connections. Mary Queen of Scots was held here, and was given a small dog which she took with her to the Tower of London. The animal was there at her grizzly end, even as the axe fell...then a witness shouted "Fetch!"

Another famous event here was a duel between Coventry's Sheriff, the Earl of Hereford, who challenged the Duke of Norfolk. When the latter arrived at the city gate in search of a bride, he was called by Hereford, who asked: "Identify yourself, and state your intentions towards my daughter" The gauntlet was cast down after the reply: "Norfolk and good"

Amongst its many other attractions, the modern city is rightly proud of its Herbert Museum. That's not the only place visitors can come to see a bunch of old Herberts...Let's meet the teams...

The name 'Coventry' entered the language as a popular phrase during the English Civil War, when Royalist prisoners were sent here. As the locals were Parliamentarian, they refused to speak to them, hence the common expression..."Sod the Cavaliers!"

The earliest promoter of Coventry was the Earl of Mercia, who played an important role in stimulating growth for the city's founding fathers, as did his wife Godiva when she rode naked through the streets. In fact, all the townsfolk agreed to avert their gaze, except for one - Peeping Tom - who watched her single handed...and as a result, went blind.

Modern Coventry is noted for its car manufacturers, including Jaguar, who in this their first season of Grand Prix racing, did so much to secure the World Title...for Ferrari.

Before Coventry became so involved with heavy industry, the area was famous for its finely dyed blue fabrics. With only primitive equipment, the 'woaders' as they were known, had to compress layers of cloth into vats of dye using their body weight by sitting on the top. They're long gone, but there's a small band that has revived the noble art of dying on their arse...Let's meet the teams...

The town's origins can be traced to one Lewis Tregonwell, who built the first house here in 1810 as a retirement home. He planted the famous pine trees of the area for their scent, which was believed to cure various diseases. However, the habit of tree sniffing has lately fallen out of fashion with the advent of the pine fresh toilet duck.

In Bournemouth's early years, shops were banned, and tradesmen had to call from Poole or Christchurch. It was only thanks to the townsfolk's exceptionally acute sense of hearing that anyone ever heard them at all.

It wasn't until 1941 that Bournemouth came to the world's attention, when the course of World War 2 was changed for good...after the Japanese made the mistake of bombing Poole Harbour.

The Dorset coast is also famous for its sedimentary deposits dating from the Eocene Age, and the curious still come here in search of fossils and even obscure little-known dinosaurs...Let's meet the teams...

Bournemouth was developed into the resort we know today in the 1890's, when fine avenues were laid out to be opened by Queen Victoria and visiting guest Kaiser Wilhelm in full military garb. At the ceremony, everyone gasped in amazement except Kaiser Wilhelm, who gasped because he'd inadvertently sat on his helmet.

Nearby is Brownsea Island, where in 1907, Lord Baden-Powell founded the Boy Scout movement. Ever since, young lads have gained their merit badges in camping and fieldcraft by reference to his 'Scouting For Boys', and in fire starting by reference to his 'Arson For Beginners'.

Dorset's most remarkable attraction is the Cerne Abbas Giant, a graphic representation of a naked man cut into the chalk hillside. Many people have joined the distinguished Cerne Abbas Society, and I'm delighted to see several prominent members here tonight.

Bournemouth today has a reputation as a magnet for those in their twilight years. The elderly and frail who've lost contact with the modern world come here to spend their days in peaceful idleness...Let's meet the teams...

The theatre we're in today is named the Lyttelton, in honour of the internationally renowned jazz trumpet player whose glittering performances here, including today's, now total a staggering...one.

A national theatre for Britain was originally proposed by the publisher Effingham Wilson in 1848. The project was completed in record time for a public building, and was in use as early as...1976. During much of his dealings with the builders, Effingham Wilson was in fact 'effing 'em daily.

Recently the area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy a 45 minute uninterrupted viewing of London and the Thames...as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, as some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way...

You join us for our second week amid the splendour of the Royal National Theatre. The National actually comprises three stage venues: the Olivier, which is named after Sir Laurence Olivier; the Cottesloe, which... isn't named after Sir Laurence Olivier; and our venue today, the Lyttelton, named after a relative of mine, Oliver Lyttelton, First Viscount Chandos, and the theatre's first chairman. Oliver, or Uncle Viscount Chandos as I knew him, joined the government in 1940 when a House of Commons seat was found for him at Aldershot...which explains why he had to shout during Prime Minister's Question Time. In his capacity as head of non-ferrous metals, Oliver organised the war effort campaign to collect pots, pans and kettles for the RAF; but Bomber Command found that dropping high explosives was more effective.

Since his time as chairman, the National has seen many varied productions from Beckett's 'Happy Days', famously featuring Dame Peggy Ashcroft in the lead role of...The Fonz, through to Michael Bogdanov's contraversial 1980 staging of 'The Romans In Britain'. The graphic scenes of Roman soldiers ravishing young British men prompted Mary Whitehouse to bring a private prosecution for obscenity. The result of her detailed evidence of the physical act was the banning from the London stage of any scene depicting explicit leapfrog.

The area has also recently benefited from the 3.5 billion pound Jubilee Line extension to the Millennium Dome - possibly the only stretch of London Underground where each passenger is guaranteed an empty coach; and just nearby is the Museum of the Moving Image, dedicated to the history of cinema from its earliest days; but they have no monopoly on showing visitors the naive comic antics of long-forgotten actors from the age of the flickering screen...Let's meet the teams...

The area is well known for its coal, iron, beer, and pottery. It was near here in 1739 that the famous Wedgewood factory was set up at Burslem. Soon their distinctive stoneware pots were in great demand by the townsfolk, who would use them to quaff copious quantities of the local ale, later taking full advantage of the porcelain products of the nearby Royal Doulton works.

Other famous local names include the writer Arnold Bennett who, during a visit to Paris, wrote his popular Staffordshire 'Five Towns' novels after an exchange of ideas with Flaubert, and it's surprising what proportion of Madame Bovary is influenced by the industrial landscape of 19th century Stoke. As far as scholars can make out...not a single word.

In 1925, these five surrounding towns were subsumed, and officially formed into the new city of Stoke, which is why the surrounding area now has a hundred and fifty signs saying 'To The City Centre', all pointing in different directions. But what a relief it was to the long-suffering supporters of Burslem Fenton Handy Longton Tunstall & Stoke-Upon-Trent Rangers F.C., who every Saturday had to respond to the call "Give us a 'B'..."

Stoke city's most famous son is undoubtedly Sir Stanley Matthews. Rated as the finest controller of the ball ever, he played well into his fifties, but football isn't the only place fans go to see an astonishingly old man dribbling in public...on my left, please welcome Barry Cryer. Sadly, Graeme Garden's agent has written to say he can't be with us today. I can't quite read the handwriting, but I think it says that Graeme's currently 'staring at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane'...hang on a minute...yes, it does...

This part of England's West Midlands is commonly known as The Potteries. Famous for its manufacture of china products, buyers come here from the world over to obtain fine silk sarongs, chopsticks, and rickshaws.

A well-known neighbouring town, which has recently become involved in the local art of brewing, is Bourneville. Traditionally associated with chocolate, Bourneville has taken advantage of its natural springs for the production of lager...which is why there's a glass and a half of water in every pint.

But a stones-throw away is Newcastle-Under-Lyme, so named after a new castle built under the Lyme forest. Nearby they constructed a feather store on the site of an old scrapyard, and so was born the charming village of Down-In-The-Dumps.

Famous local characters include: Thomas Minton, the inventor of Minton; Josia Spode, the inventor of Spode; and Edward Knoblock, who luckily for some of us, didn't invent anything. Let's meet the teams...

In the 16th century, Henry VIII was a frequent visitor to Woking Palace...whom he saw beat West Bromwich Albion 2-0 in a thrilling Cup Tie in 1536.

Modern Woking is famously home to the Kenwood Mixer, named after its inventor...Ken Woodmixer. Life was transformed for a generation of 1960's housewives experiencing the joys of his chopper attachment on the kitchen table.

Woking today is largely known as a dormitory town, and appropriately enough, we're expecting to see a lot of people sleeping in a large room tonight...Let's meet the teams...

Woking was little more than a small market town until nearby Brookwood was chosen as the site for Britain's largest cemetery. With the cemetery came its own dedicated railway station for the running of regular funeral trains from London. Out of respect, South West Trains still operate services at a walking pace [??muffled].

The town guide tells us that Woking's environs are famous for their wildlife habitats, home to rare types of bee, adders and the unique spider-hunting wasp. Sadly, the Woking & District Wasp Pack have recently had their spider hunt disrupted by saboteurs...laying false trails of jam sandwiches.

Famous names associated with the area include: Formula One Team MacLaren; the electronics concern Kenwood; and the writer of 'War Of The Worlds', H.G. Wells. Proud Woking commemorated these local success stories by erecting a huge racing car, a 100 foot long mural depicting food mixers, and a 17 metre high statue of a Martian. One can only imagine the relief felt by the council when they missed out on leasing premises to the Viagra company.

In 1994, The Spice Girls started their sensational pop careers here at Knapp Hill Studio, but Woking today isn't just about the world-wide success of four vibrant young performers (not in the least!)...Let's meet our teams...

Golders Green is of course famous for two great buildings - the Hippodrome and the Crematorium. I'll let the listeners at home decide for themselves which we're coming from.

As you'd expect from the I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Christmas Special, we have four performers who have top class comedy coming out of their ears...it's just a pity it doesn't often come out of their mouths...

Henry V landed here after the battle of Agincourt in 1415, when the vastly superior French horsemen were comprehensively routed by our English archers...but then, ten minutes of Marjorie Antrobus is enough to terrify anybody.

Elizabeth I came here in 1580 to knight Francis Drake in reward for his round the world voyage. Townsfolk flocked to witness the sight of Good Queen Bess taking up a large sword to perform his circumnavigation ceremony. As a result of a slight misunderstanding, the words "Arise Sir Francis" were entirely wasted on him.

In the seventeenth century architect Christopher Wren did much to set the style of Greenwich when his collonaded neo-renaissance Royal naval College was commissioned. However this was only after his original design of a huge upside-down Tupperware bowl held up by string attached to big sticks, was rejected on the ground the town wanted something visitors might bother to come and see...

But since that time, Greenwich has developed the knack of getting people to come here to take a look at the most unlikely curiosities...Let's meet the teams...

You join us for a second week at the Greenwich Theatre, in the heart of London's officially designated Millennium Borough. But there's more to the town than just selling hastily printed souvenir tea-towels. Greenwich is also famous for its long association with literature. Christopher Marlowe frequented many local taverns, and was supposedly killed in one during a brawl with friends over the bill for dinner. The theory that Marlowe didn't actually die, but assumed a new identity as William Shakespeare is supported by the line from Twelfth Night: "If music be the food of love, play on...but there's no way I had a prawn cocktail starter!"

Local residents have included the intellectual and gardener John Evelyn. As reward for his many works, Evelyn was honoured by James II, when he became Keeper of the King's Privvy Seal...a position made necessary by the peculiar seventeenth century habit of keeping an amphibious mammal in the toilet.

As Greenwich is situated on the very line of longitude where the new year will begin, we feel honoured to be invited here to record this, our special Second Millennium show, and I'm specially pleased to be able to introduce the original cast who appeared to celebrate the first one...

The town nestles in the Malvern Hills, under the Worcestershire Beacon. After climbing to the summit, many hikers gaze out across fourteen counties and under certain weather conditions, it's possible to catch a sight of Birmingham...despite the many clearly posted warning signs.

Famous names associated with the area include Sir Edward Elgar. It was here that he composed his 'Enigma Variations', which later found great commercial stage success as 'Bletchley Park - The Musical'.

The nearby public school Malvern College was founded in 1862. This was taken over during World War II by the Air Ministry as a research base exploiting advances in microwave technology to develop an aircraft tracking radar system. Expected to take many months of development, they actually managed it in just two and a half minutes. As a result, air defences could readily identify and bring down Luftwaffe bombers - the aircraft being hit be a barrage of piping hot, ready cooked pigeons.

Famous old boys of Malvern College include the occultist Aleister Crowley, and it was here that he first became interested in black magic, the paranormal, and reincarnation. Crowley was buried in St. Wulfrun's churchyard in 1934...at Golders Green synagogue in 1956, and finally in 1972 at the West Dudley pet cemetery. Another notable grave at St. Wulfrun's is that of Britains first recorded fatal case of asbestosis. The poor chap was buried there in 1827, but not until after they'd spent three weeks trying to cremate him.

The ancient county of Worcestershire has much to admire including Hagley Hall, the family seat of the Lyttelton dynasty. Set in 350 acres of superbly landscaped deer park, the house contains Van Dyke masterpieces and fine Chippendale furniture. The land, house and title have passed down the line to my cousin, Viscount Cobham, the eighth Lord Lyttelton and his heirs, reminding me that at any given time I am but one small, and entirely fatal minibus accident away from wealth, privilege and complete idleness beyond my wildest dreams. I could be up there with Duke Ellington and Count Basie without even trying.

A world famous local product is, of course, Worcestershire Sauce. The first reference dates from 1642 when Oliver Cromwell proudly proclaimed to parliament that he had won The Bottle Of Worcester, thanks to drawing Yellow 61 in that years' Roundhead Social Club raffle. However, it wasn't until 1835 that the famous dark and spicy condiment was discovered by two chemists, Lea & Perrins. Their ingredients remains a closely guarded secret even today, known only to a handful of members of the Lea & Perrins families...and anyone who can be bothered to read the label marked 'Ingredients' on the side of the bottle.

To the unknowing outside, the Worcestershire of today is often considered a sleepy backwater, where simple elderly folk spend quiet days untroubled by the modern world - a reputation that can only be reinforced when I say: "It's time to meet the teams..."

The name Malvern derives from the Celtic words describing the original settlement - the prefix 'Mal' meaning 'spring water pools', while the word 'Vern' refers to small areas of woodland, hence the precise translation, Little Woods Pools.

Malvern's proud boast is that theirs is the only natural spring water used by Queen Elizabeth II, and when in 1987 a Royal Act of Charter was drawn up to sanction supplies of bottled water to Her Majesty, she kindly invited the town council to witness as she passed it.

A major source of local employment is provided by the Coca Cola company. In the 1950's, the townsfolk erected a memorial to the factory's founder in the form of a statue in the main square. However, this has recently required some restoration after all its teeth fell out.

The town's first known documentation dates from 1083, when its lavish Benedictine monastery was built. It's recorded that this was the cause of much friction with the nearby Convent of St. Agatha, as the monastery was maintained by a generous endowment from Edward the Confessor, and the nuns jealously eyed the monks who were obviously so well endowed.

The surrounding district still bears the name of Malvern Chase, which was originally a Royal hunting forest, but in later years it became the haunt of petty thieves and nere-do-wells seeking a refuge in which to avoid retribution for their series of criminal acts against an unsuspecting public...Let's meet the teams...

The town was founded in 1967 and grew steadily into a municipal borough until, in 1997, the council celebrated their 30th anniversary by applying for unitary authority status...they certainly know how to have a good time here!

The name Milton Keynes has an interesting derivation, many believing it to be a tribute to John Milton, who wrote the trilogy comprising Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained and in his advanced years Paradise I Know I Left It Here Somewhere. Milton suffered for his work - his eyesight eventually failing him completely. He would doubtless have been proud of what the town planners achieved. With its broad avenues and boulevards laid in grid pattern, Milton Keynes is often mistaken for New York. Remarkably, there's no record of New York ever having been mistaken for Milton Keynes. However, the local townsfolk were nonetheless delighted when the French government presented them with a huge statue of a woman holding a torch in celebration of Milton Keynes's victory in the War Of Independence, and sent a bemused New York City Corporation a small herd of concrete cows to mark their application for unitary authority status.

It would be a mistake to think that Milton Keynes today can offer nothing with a history dating further back than the 1960's...Let's meet the teams...

Although it's known as a new town, anyone who believes the area has no history before 1967 couldn't be more wrong, as there's evidence of a tribe of stone-age tool users constructing crude dwellings in nearby Bletchley as early as...1958.

It was at Bletchley Park during World War II that the world's very first computer was installed, and it's top secret output will make fascinating reading, just as soon as they get the printer to work. The original buildings have been preserved as a museum with various artefacts from the period, and for a small entrance fee, visitors can be transported back to 1942. A cheaper alternative is to hop on a bus to Newport Pagnell.

Milton Keynes today has much to be proud of - it's the home of the Open University, founded in 1969 by Harold Wilson, who declared degree-level education would be available to anyone with a basic passion to study men in beards and flared trousers at 3 o'clock in the morning.

The town also boasts the huge National Bowl, probably the finest annual exhibition of sanitary ware in Europe.

Alright, let's meet the teams. We have the same line up back for a second week, and I can honestly say you couldn't ask for four better comedians...so that's answered your next question...

The first known settlement here was during the Bronze Age and was called Brigantia, or literally Home Of The Briganti Tribe, but when Quintas Patilius and his 9th legion arrived in A.D. 71, it became known as Eboracum, or literally Not Any More It Isn't.

Very soon the town was overrun by the invading Anglo-Saxons and reverted to Celtic rule after King Arthur's famous victory. This was short lived however, as Arthur fled South when a messenger arrived from Camelot with the urgent news that it was another bonus rollover jackpot week.

By the 8th century, York was capital of Northumbria, but during a succession of wars against the Vikings under Ivar The Boneless, the city fell several times...although not nearly as often as Ivar.

The Vikings were finally defeated in 1066 at Stamford Bridge, going down to Chelsea 5-4 after a thrilling penalty shoot-out, and with the subsequent arrival of the Normans, this pattern of history established the old centre of York much as we see it today...repeatedly overrun by foreigners.

However the story of the people of York having unwelcome visitors forced upon them doesn't end there...Let's meet the teams...

York is also associated with many other notorious names from history. Dick Turpin was hanged here in 1739 after he made the journey from London in 15 hours, and there's an interesting parallel with Turpin's exploits for anyone travelling to York today on Virgin Rail...daylight robbery in the restaurant car. Guy Fawkes was born in York. In 1606 he was hung, drawn and quartered at Tyburn...and buried at Marble Arch, Cheapside, Ludgate and Wandsworth. His co-conspirators included one Humphrey Littelton, who was dragged in chains to Guildford and publicly executed. Imagine the shame brought upon my family. Apparently they were okay about 'publicly executed', but Guildford...

York is a mecca for visitors seeking to soak up its wealth of cultural delights, including York Minster and the Mystery Cycle...that appears chained to its railings every morning.

Wandering the old streets today, many come aiming to take in the famous Shambles...So let's meet the teams...

The legendary people's hero Robin Hood spent his life nearby. He famously, on his deathbed, shot an arrow from his bow asking that wherever in Sherwood Forest that arrow should land, there he should be laid to rest, and the whole area covered with an enormous plastic bubble for visitors to ride bikes in.

It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'. It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe.

Amongst its many attractions, the town proudly boasts the 'Trip To Jerusalem' which is the oldest pub in England - a unique distinction shared with only 117 other inns. Coincidentally, the oldest pub in Israel is called the 'Day Out To Center Parcs'.

The greatest bare-knuckle fighter of the Victorian age was born here - one William Bendigoes Thompson, probably the most famous British boxer until Frank 'Down 'E Goes' Bruno.

Another famous son of the city is Albert Ball, who shot down a total of 43 German aircraft. There would have been more, but Mr. Ball was eventually banned from East Midlands Airport.

Let's meet the panel. You wouldn't think four top comedians of outstanding quality with perfect timing, total originality and excellent acting skills would turn out to do this show...and you'd be right...

Nottingham is associated with many famous names - born in 1850, Jesse Boot founded the chain of chemists that took his name. After a few years, he realised his slogan "Buy your drugs from Jesse's" wasn't that great, and he changed the firm's name to Boots. The business started in Goosegate Street, where Jesse's father had a tiny oak-beamed pill shop, but there was so little demand for tiny oak-beamed pills they decided to diversify.

J.M. Barry once visited here, and was inspired to write Peter Pan when he spotted an urchin in the street...what a one-in-a-million chance that one should have escaped from the marine biology aquarium, thus frightening him round the corner, where he bumped into a disabled pirate and a crocodile with a clock in its mouth.

Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest teams in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players.

Now it's time to meet the teams. With comedy very much the watchword, I can honestly say we have four men who couldn't possibly be any funnier if they tried...more's the pity...

Blackpool's first known settlement was founded by the Brigantis, an intimitating people whose war-like women-folk terrified encroaching tribes with fearsome charges for the use of hot water and the cruet set. Little is known of the subsequent history of this area, but exciting evidence of the emporer Vespasian's occupation was discovered recently by a local archaeologist when a lost hoard of Roman coins fell at his feet after he got three cherries up. After the Roman occupation, Vikings arrived in what is now Lancashire. That it was a peaceful integration is suggested by the many place names that are combinations of Scandinavian and Anglo-Saxon including: Leyton-Cum-Warbreck; Bispham-With-Norbreck; and Wigan-By-Smorgasbord. These northern settlers had arrived via the Isle Of Man, where they'd gone seeking to create a new type of forward-looking liberal society...not a mistake they'll make again in a hurry.

From the 13th century, the district was controlled by the Butler family, Barons of Warrington. In 1257, Henry III granted William Le Butler an annual fair and a weekly market in Leyton. However, the charter was withdrawn in a fit of pique when the King decided the Butlers were selling off his wife's stolen underwear. [ It wasn't until the Victorian era that the town expanded into a seaside resort. With the growth in visitors, the North Pier was built in 1863, and its grand opening was celebrated by much drinking and revelry. Some are reported to have dived off the end despite many warnings, before coming back a few hours later to try again when the tide was in. This was followed by the Central Pier and the South Pier, and in 1902, construction of yet another was begun. Intended to stretch two miles from the promenade, by the time it reached the railway station, the builders realised they'd got it the wrong way round. To compete for trade lost to the piers, the Winter Gardens decided to build a huge wheel measuring 220 feet in diameter. This spun slowly from {??? unreadable}. It was never a great success, and finally closed in 1926 when the hamster died. Not broadcast]

The town became a health resort in the 18th century when bathing in seawater became a national craze. When it was time for the ladies to bathe, a bell was rung, and any gentleman found on the shore taking a peek was fined a shilling. Court records from 1757 reveal that one offender, Joshua Curtis, defended himself on the grounds that he'd gone deaf, and after medical reports confirmed this, he was fined a further half crown for gross public indecency.

Curiously, each planning application for a new entertainment in Blackpool results in mass objections from local residents, on the grounds that they're lowering the tone of the area, so the town hall switchboard should brace itself when I say...Let's meet the teams...

[ The town became a health resort in the 18th century when bathing in seawater became a national craze. When it was time for the ladies to bathe, a bell was rung, and any gentleman found on the shore taking a peek was fined a shilling. Court records from 1757 reveal that one offender, Joshua Curtis, defended himself on the grounds that he'd gone deaf, and after medical reports confirmed this, he was fined a further half crown for gross public indecency. Not broadcast]

The first of Blackpool's famous decorative illuminations were erected in Christmas 1912, when Princess Louise opened the Princess Parade. Her Royal Highness was then invited to inspect the seven miles of bulbs strung on poles...until she found the dud one that was stopping all the others from working.

The most famous pioneer of Blackpool's amusement business was Thomas Parkinson, who opened his first establishment on Queen's Promenande in the 1890s. As it was little more than a tiny wooden hut providing light refreshments, dancing and bingo sessions, he took its title from the book Uncle Tom's Cabin, and appropriately every Friday night the star bingo prize was a trip to the West Indies...chained to two thousand Africans in a leaking hulk.

In the 1930s, George Formby was a regular favourite at the Winter Gardens. With his trademark gapped teeth and ukelele, he stunned everyone when, in 1975, he came out of retirement in Kinshasa to fight Mohamud Ali for the World Heavyweight Title.

[ It was in Blackpool that Jaguar cars were first built. Originally called the Swallow Sidecar Company, its most successful model in the 1930s was a sports car known as the SS100. However, with the onset of war, this was thought to be inappropriate, so after much head scratching they changed the name to the 2.5 litre drophead Gestapo. The role of Blackpool was largely enabled by the coming of the railways, but these days with the opening of good motorway links, commuters can now easily take their cars right into the centre of Manchester...although most of them still come back by train.

Blackpool has recently become world renowned as a conference centre, and as the traditional home of the T.U.C.s annual conference, it was here in 1997 that they took the historic decision to scrap the old system of block votes, after one delegate ordered hot drinks and scotch delivered to 3.5 million white {??? unreadable} Not broadcast]

The Blackpool Magic Circle also holds its annual convention here, and this year their special guest speaker was our own Barry Cryer. In a consumate demonstration of the magician's art, the evening climaxed to the amazement of onlookers when Mysterious Marvo made Barry disappear in a flash...by asking "Whose round is it?".

We are fortunate today in being guests of Blackpool's Grand Theatre, whose proud boast is they'll only ever employ the biggest names in show business. On my right, Timothy Edward Albert Mandy Rice-Brooke-Taylor and Lord Anthony Hawks of Brighton and Hove, and on my left, Barry Barney McGrew Cuthbert Cryer O.B.E. S.F.A., and Dr. Graeme Angus Dougal Kensington Garden...

A small settlement was originally founded here many centuries ago as a stopping off point on the main route to London, when a turnpike was established to charge tolls on farmer's wagons and stagecoaches, in the certain knowledge that this would prevent any increased congestion of the city's streets. I can't imagine any fool trying that again.

By the 19th century, Clerkenwell was a bustling mix of artist's studios and ale houses, frequented by famous authors including John Bunyon. After he published his alegorical tale Pilgrim's Progress, Bunyon was honoured by the city fathers...by having a foot disorder named after him.

During the 20th century, Clerkenwell became known as 'Little Italy' when it changed sides half way through the Second World War.

Such is its fashionable reputation that this part of London is know known as the new Soho, with the result that the inevitable down-at-heel, seedy element is just beginning to emerge...Let's meet the teams...

A music house was first founded on this site by one Richard Sadler in the 1680s. He discovered a well in his grounds when gravel was dug out for reconstruction work on nearby Pentonville Road, and as the audience make their way home later, they may care to inspect how it's getting on.

Sadler marketed his well water as a curative, and soon began to provide his customers with a variety of theatrical entertainment. The first act to top the bill was the 'Hibernian Cannibal'. To great amazement, the cannibal proceeded to eat a huge live cockerel which he consumed feather, feet and all, with a side order of fresh giblets and a pint of brandy. Few were surprised when the cannibal died of food poisoning three days later...after eating a donner kebab in Exmouth Market.

In late Victorian times, the theatre installed a skating rink; however their ambitious musical 'Joan Of Arc On Ice' was not a great success, despite the unintentional plot twist in the final scene when Joan was drowned.

By the 1930s, the theatre's reputation was enhanced by the establishement of Britain's first national ballet company. Since then, Sadler's Wells has seen many landmark productions, including Matthew Bourne's all-male version of Swan Lake. In their trademark silk tights and elegant feathers, what a magnificent sight the company made each evening...as the arrived to change into costume.

This reputation for nothing but the finest performing arts lives on today, and we have to thank Sadler's Wells for inviting the teams here to provide something in the way of comedy...and there's not many who can get in the way of comedy more than them...

It's here that I come to reflect, to compose, and to admire my mint collection of pre-war mints. And it was here at this very desk in fact, that the opening bars of my enormous success Bad Penny Blues first hit me...just after the shelf above me collapsed.

As 2002 draws to an end, I'd like to share with you my own chronicle of the last 12 months: a diary of news items that keeps me busy during quiet moments...such as sitting through recordings of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. My assistant Samantha is also here and ready to play extracts from the show, which I have been sent to remind me of what I missed. Some of these include items that first time round were unaccountably never broadcast...and several which quite inexplicably were...

The town is first recorded in cave drawings by local Celts, when they noticed an Iron Age tribe had arrived here to mine ore, and smelt in a basic fashion. To be fair, this was before the invention of bathrooms.

Probably Plymouth's most celebrated son is Sir Francis Drake. Sailing for the Caribbean in 1577, Drake and his men fought their way through a hundred leagues of the Spanish Main...ending a solid season as runners up in Division Two. When Drake returned home in triumph the following year, the delighted townsfolk swarmed out to greet him, dancing all the way from St Andrew's Cross to the famous Plymouth Sound...although it's said that Drake himself preferred the R&B derived Mersey Beat

Steeped as it is in the history of sea-faring, Plymouth attracts many visitors in search of ancient wrecks. Some less important examples can sit ignored for years, but still hold a small grain of historical interest for those prepared to look...Let's meet the teams...

It was from here the Pilgrim Fathers set sail in 1620. Before boarding the Mayflower, these devout Puritans held a service of thanksgivings at the Plymouth Hoe...followed by hymns at the Exeter shovel, and prayers for the Torquay rotary mower. Their crossing was eventfull, and even saw the birth of a baby to Master and Mistress Hopkins. Inspired by the vast expanse of the Atlantic, they named the boy Oceanus Freedom Hopkins. By coincidence, exactly the same thing happened during a commemorative voyage in 1987, and what joy there was amongst the crew at the christening of Oil-slick Condom Johnson.

OK, let's get on and meet the teams, but before they're introduced by name, just pause to think - four bright-eyed, sharp young comedians, each one of them bursting with original ideas...that's what this show could have done with, but no...

Liverpool is a fine old city whose linguistic derivation is an interesting one. Apparently it takes its name from two old English words meaning 'boggy water'. The town is first mentioned in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle when King Edmund sailed up a creek of the Mersey and discovered muddy pools...who went on to become one of the greatest blues guitarists of the 9th century... Let's meet the teams. They're four performers who I first knew as hopeless beginners, barely able to string a joke together, and I can honestly say that success hasn't changed them at all...

You join us for a second week at the City Varieties Theatre in the fine Yorkshire town of Leeds. Founded on textiles, the city had, until 1969, one of the world's largest woollen mills...then someone pulled at a loose thread and the whole building unravelled.

No visit here would be complete without taking in the City Art Gallery. Sadly, Rosetti's famous pre-Raphaelite portrait of the young Queen Victoria as the Goddess Aphrodite drinking from the fountain of Zeus is no longer on show. It was found to be a fake when cleaning revealed she was wearing a Leeds Rugby League Club jersey. A silly mistake, as Queen Victoria was, of course, a Hull Kingston Rovers supporter.

Leeds' galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value. Remnants from a bygone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams...

You join us at the Theatre Royal in Windsor, a town famously associated with our own Royal family. It was in 1917 that the house of Saxe-Coburg-Gothe took their new name from the place where they all spent most of their time; so by the same tradition, when Sarah Ferguson married Prince Andrew, she naturally assumed the title "Duchess of Airport".

Windsor Castle receives thousands of visitors each year who marvel at the recently completed restoration work undertaken painstakingly by a team of experts who took several months to work out the Latin for "In case of fire, break stained glass here". For the finest view, the famous round tower is best approached through Henry VIII's gateway...skirting by Queen Mary's Budgens and popping in to James II's Tesco Metro.

But Windsor has more to offer than just obviously popular attractions - indeed there are today several often ignored sites, completely unspoilt by endless queues of eager faces. Let me point out four of them...

You join us today in the fine city of Birmingham. The town's industrial origins go back to the 14th century when peasants, finding iron ore and coal deposits, started to experiment to produce hot smelting fires and to fashion basic farm tools. It was only after decades of failure that they realised that iron doesn't burn and lumps of coal make lousy shovels - but they persevered, and eventually Birmingham expanded with the industrial revolution. Still little larger than a village in the 1790's, the population had grown by 1850 to nearly a quarter of a million, thanks to the success of high quality manufacturing, and the failure of low quality contraception.

With the growth in production came a canal system so extensive that Birmingham is often described as the 'Venice Of The North'. History relates that when Canaletto was commissioned to paint the Renaissance splendour of the Grand Canal, Venice, he climbed from the Piazzo San Marco onto the Bridge of Sighs, and admiring the Doges Palace remarked "Bloody 'ell! It looks just like Birmingham!"

We are today guests of Birmingham's Alexandra Theatre, where the newly refurbished stage accommodates lavish musical productions, and attracts top shows from the West End; but the Alex enjoys a broad repertoire and doesn't only present big names guaranteeing box office success...not by a long chalk! Let's meet the teams...

You find us once again in Windsor, the town which gave its name to a type of chair, a knot, and most famously a soup...although this was before the Royal Borough changed its name from Campbell's Cream Of Mushroom On Thames.

But a stones throw across the river is Eton, with its world renowned school. According to my guide notes, Eton's most famous former pupils include: the Duke of Wellington; William Gladstone; George Orwell; and Humphrey Lyttelton, the jazz musician and panel game host. They don't say what those other three were famous for.

Let's meet the teams. The same four comedians were here at the Theatre Royal last week when they produced a performance that's impossible to forget...I've been to hypnosis, but it didn't work...

You join us today in the fine city of Leeds which still has many reminders of the part it played in the Industrial Revolution. Starting at nearby Middleton is the oldest railway in England. With its original line and stock virtually unchanged since 1758, it was recently privatised and renamed the Midland Mainline to Euston service.

The city has connections with many famous people: well loved celebrities include Alan Bennett and Barry Cryer...used to know his milkman.

We are guests today of the City Varieties Theatre. This, the undisputed home of old-time music hall, is famous for folk who sport Edwardian costume, and I notice that our team members are dressed in suits of similar vintage...

Today we're in Chichester, an ancient market town which I understand was originally given its name by a galley load of invading Roman stutterers...who were hoping to settle in Chester...

You join us today at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford, a town offering many surprises to the first time visitor. It's not every Surrey commuter town that can boast not only a bustling Bohemian Latin quarter, but also a Moorish citadel surounded by